i just finished watching Season 1 Episode 4 of the Sopranos where Tony Soprano's young son finds out for the very first time that his father is in the mafia. The last scene is so poignant and beautifully displays the first step, tear, inkling, break, LOSS of a childs innocence. The EXACT moment when the fabric of one's illusions starts to unravel.

NIGHT 3

hate my place. it's a dirty hippie frat house commune.

DISNEY MAIDEN

he says he'll come but doesn't say when.

i stand in my tower willing my hair to grow faster. i play games in there....choose your own adventure. do i take a wrong turn and fall off a cliff? i wonder what the disappointing reality will be.

so many suitors with the wrong sized shoes.

for a moment my tower protects me from pain when i look toward the sky and see that the sun has cast the shadows of clouds on the mountains. but all too soon an ill suited couple's mediocrity looks appealing.

i am floundering between dreams and resignation. in my tower i am not subjected to seeing people who are content

he says he'll come but he doesn't say when... my hair will be longer soon.

APPLY AS NEEDED-a little diddy i found on my phone today

i'm tired of reaching out

and beseaching

i'm never done teaching

you what you should do

i'm fucking exhausted

and you're just a lost kid

and now i have lost it

i've had it with you

i hate that i love you

i'm so far above you

i pull you and shove you

and cry over you

so one day you'll lose me

you'll over-abuse me

no longer amuse me

then won't you feel blue?

QUEEN OF PENTACLES

got into Tarot reading. loving it. this lady is my new inspiration. here are some of her images:

RIDER-WAITE DECK

AQUARIAN DECK

MORGAN-GREER DECK

ALL THE FUTURE'S A MEMORY

i wonder if i'm slightly psychic. you can stop rolling your eyes now. i find it strange that many things which come to pass are something i remember seeing or dreaming of before... like a GIANT dejavu of all the important landmark type stuff. for example, i remember dreaming way in advance that i was going to work as a waitress in a new place. at the time i thought i would never ever be a waitress again and i had no plans to move away. yet 2 weeks after having moved across the country i sat counting cash in an office at work knowing i had dreamt of this desk. this room. this moment.

THE OTHER DAY I CRIED IN PUBLIC

which is a very different thing to do if you're living in a city where nobody knows who you are. you don't have to worry about someone recognizing you or awkwardly running into you. so i felt the need to cry and it was at night so it was dark. i sat on some stairs close to the Chinatown sky train station and let it come out. people walking by were further away and couldn't really see or hear me. only one guy was sort of close but he was smoking pot and eating McDonald's and didn't concern himself with me. it felt nice. not having to hold it in while sitting on the train then walking down a crowded street till finally i reach my house and release. no. i released when i felt the need to. outside in the fresh air. in a dark corner i sat with my latte cried and then i sat for a while longer. felt better. composed myself and boarded the train home. the upside of being a ghost. i got home and looked in the mirror. there was a piece of Kleenex stuck to the inside corner of my right eye. funny.

Day 22--TINO

Been in Vancouver 3 weeks now. Got a job. a room. a bed. a cat. pretty good. i've begun a relationship with Tino the barber. today was my second visit to his shop. which is always empty. he charges me 5 dollars to shave the side of my head and clean up the little hairs on the back of my neck. he doesn't say much. in fact he only speaks when spoken to. in that much silence i begin to imagine what he must think of me. i have a half shaved head. i'm wearing dr. martins, tights, a military jacket and a duffle bag. i look like lesbian rambo. at the end of our time together when i paid him and gave him a two dollar tip he was just a little bit kinder in his goodbye than on my first visit. i wonder if down the line i might even have a conversation with him.

VANCOUVER!

ok so i'm here. night one.

FUCKING WIERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

nothing (of course) is what i imagined it to be.

i'm tired. goodnight.

today's Haiku

why?

because i don't want to

that's why