ALL THE FUTURE'S A MEMORY

i wonder if i'm slightly psychic. you can stop rolling your eyes now. i find it strange that many things which come to pass are something i remember seeing or dreaming of before... like a GIANT dejavu of all the important landmark type stuff. for example, i remember dreaming way in advance that i was going to work as a waitress in a new place. at the time i thought i would never ever be a waitress again and i had no plans to move away. yet 2 weeks after having moved across the country i sat counting cash in an office at work knowing i had dreamt of this desk. this room. this moment.

THE OTHER DAY I CRIED IN PUBLIC

which is a very different thing to do if you're living in a city where nobody knows who you are. you don't have to worry about someone recognizing you or awkwardly running into you. so i felt the need to cry and it was at night so it was dark. i sat on some stairs close to the Chinatown sky train station and let it come out. people walking by were further away and couldn't really see or hear me. only one guy was sort of close but he was smoking pot and eating McDonald's and didn't concern himself with me. it felt nice. not having to hold it in while sitting on the train then walking down a crowded street till finally i reach my house and release. no. i released when i felt the need to. outside in the fresh air. in a dark corner i sat with my latte cried and then i sat for a while longer. felt better. composed myself and boarded the train home. the upside of being a ghost. i got home and looked in the mirror. there was a piece of Kleenex stuck to the inside corner of my right eye. funny.

Day 22--TINO

Been in Vancouver 3 weeks now. Got a job. a room. a bed. a cat. pretty good. i've begun a relationship with Tino the barber. today was my second visit to his shop. which is always empty. he charges me 5 dollars to shave the side of my head and clean up the little hairs on the back of my neck. he doesn't say much. in fact he only speaks when spoken to. in that much silence i begin to imagine what he must think of me. i have a half shaved head. i'm wearing dr. martins, tights, a military jacket and a duffle bag. i look like lesbian rambo. at the end of our time together when i paid him and gave him a two dollar tip he was just a little bit kinder in his goodbye than on my first visit. i wonder if down the line i might even have a conversation with him.

VANCOUVER!

ok so i'm here. night one.

FUCKING WIERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

nothing (of course) is what i imagined it to be.

i'm tired. goodnight.

today's Haiku

why?

because i don't want to

that's why

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

PORN!

I read an article in this months GQ Magazine called 'I Mourn For Porn' --an older man's lament towards the current generations' over accessibility of all things rawnch. here's a quote i rather enjoyed...

"For those of us raised on novels, sex is something grand and luxurious that happens in ski chalets at dusk, or in hay-scented stables in the heat of a French afternoon, and I'm trustably informed that a lady can detect that je ne sais quoi--that classiness--in our actual technique."

another excerpt "...we've got a generation coming of age with no concept of female subdermal tingling, or cervical dilation, or the thousand other ways a lady's body can respond to a gentleman's touch if he does it just right."

uhuh

Goodbye Alexander McQueen

THE TRUTH HURTS

pain provides the contrast needed for one to be able to always hold beauty, love and happiness as precious and sacred. perhaps i just have a sadistic way of motivating myself but i have always needed the darkness to stay in the light. when things are status quo i get a bit uneasy.... down with rose colored glasses. ignorance is not bliss, it's ignorance. here are some great Janet Finch quotes i recently reacquainted myself with :

"To them, pain was a country they had heard of, maybe watched a show about on TV, but one whose stamp had not yet been made in their passports. Where could I find a place where my world connected to theirs?"

"Remember it all, every insult, every tear. Tattoo it on the inside of your mind. In life, knowledge of poisons is essential. I've told you, nobody becomes an artist unless they have to."

"Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way."

oh.....hi there

so this is my blog. when blogging first started i used to make fun of it...losers who had nothing better to do blogged. i detested the word blog (still do) wondering why people created such an unattractive, unsexy word for it???? the word alone put me off. but these days, a blog follower receives unique insight into the thoughts, expressions, priorities and desires of the blogger. what was once a persons' journal or weekly newspaper article has transformed into an online blog that all the world may view and share. scary shit. this blog is never going to focus on one thing. i don't like the idea of placing limitations on what i talk about or how often i write. i don't apologize for being absolutely honesty or for typos or my penchant for made up words. this is a selfish exercise. but i do it in the hopes that the one who chooses to read it can derive some form of nourishment from it. ok that's enough. time to BLOG! (gross)